I pushed something out of my head a while ago, and now it’s come back and it’s led me on this weird thought process about feelings. Bad feelings.  I’m not someone who really has a lot of negative emotion on a daily basis.  I don’t have arguments very often with people, or enemies or horrible things happening to me, my family, or my friends. So I have this weird fascination with pain from those types of events. I think it has something to do with all the books and movies I’ve read and watched that make pain seem elegant and desirable and beautiful. I think this is what leads me to drama. Something dramatic and painful. It’s like acting out a play where all the drama and pain and the people involved are all just figments of my imagination. I do this to people. Turn them into something they aren’t in my head. I suppose most people do this but I’ve become shockingly aware of it threw my dreams. I’ve come to notice when I dream about people I know.. they actually aren’t at all themselves, good or bad. Sometimes I’ll dream a friend is a serial killer, or that Mr. Spock and I are madly in love. (That’s not made up, I actually had that dream 5 years ago.) But the more it happens the harder it gets for me not to look at the person as if they were the person in my dream. It’s like dreaming that haggis taste like chocolate. It’s hard  to get it threw your head that haggis is not Chocolate if you dream it enough times. Especially if you want all food to taste like chocolate. I know this is all convoluted and I’m not really working towards any point. No that’s not true. My point is, I need to get out of my head because when shit truly does hit the fan I am in no way prepared to handle it. I just push it to the bottom of my stomach and cover it with Haggis. Haggis that I think tastes like chocolate.

Sunday morning around 7 my husband and I woke up, I made some coffee and oatmeal, and took it upstairs to see what was on TV. There was nothing good, of course, and we ended up watching Doctor Phil. The topic of the day was “painfully thin.” There was a poor girl with anorexia on who weighted 27 kilos (60 something pounds) I have a week stomach so the oatmeal was out. I never did end up eating it. This girl was so sad, and of course you just felt bad for her.. and then the show was over and we turned off the TV and went about our Sunday.

Fast forward, it’s past 10 that night and I’m watching a movie in bed, “Infamous” which was really good. Actually I thought it was better then the Philip Seymour Hoffman Capote film. Anyway, my husband decides he wants to go to sleep but since I’m watching this movie, he decides to sleep in another bedroom. (He’s really nice and considerate that way) So I finish the movie and get up to go to the bathroom. I walk out of my room and it’s totally dark. I start walking towards the bathroom and suddenly all I can picture is this tall skeleton woman who only ways 27 kilos standing in the dark and I start to get scared. I got really scared and went to get my husband and told him I was scared of the anorexic woman and I wanted him (and the cat) to come back to bed. So he did and that’s the end of the story.

I’m such a dork.. and a horrible person. This poor woman on Doctor Phil just trying to get some help and I turn her into the boogie man. This isn’t the first time I’ve taken something and made something scary out of it. When I was about eight or so there was a Christmas special on TV aimed for kids about Santa Clause. They had air traffic controls talking about seeing unidentified flying objects in the sky on Christmas eve  and this scared the SHIT out of me. It felt like an episode of Unsolved Mysteries. I actually watched that show every Saturday night with my Grandma in her house way out in the country surrounded by woods… woods that I use to imagine cannibals living in. I just have such an over active imagination. I can always get myself worked up by imagining something scary. Actually now that I think about it… I work myself into all kinds of heighten emotional states by imaging things. I could go into a lot of detail now about what I imagine and in regards to whom, but this is enough boring information about me for today.

Here’s how I sound at the moment. Keep in mind this is like my third attempt at it.

yodeling take 1

I should give a shout out to this site yodelcourse.com

P.S. My neighbors totally heart me right now

Tripping The Rift is a sci-fi cartoon that I just discovered. It’s like Drawn Together meets Reboot. I’m not sure if Reboot ever made it to the US but I use to watch it in Canada all the time.

I haven’t watched many movies lately but I saw Half Nelson last night which was awesome! Juno was really good.. and I also saw the Bob Dylan movie I’m not There. I’m uncertain how I feel about it. I liked it, but it was so … David Lynch like without the David Lynch stuff. It didn’t have all the macabre, acid trip stuff Lynch does, but it had that kind of disconnected metaphorical thing. I understood that all these different characters in time and places where meant to represent different sides of him and times in his life, but meh. I love biographical movies. Even the crappy made for TV ones, and I wanted this to be a good one, and it is good, but not as a bio pic. It’s no What’s Love Got To Do With It.

I’ve been listening to Amy Winehouse a lot. I’m so individualistic. I know she’s a crack head and last years hottest Halloween costume but whatev. I’ve also been listening to Mos Def. He’s just so super cool. I love rappers with conspiracy theories. Glass Candy, which my brother recommended is awesome. Yann Tiersen is a favorite right now. Oh and the Curb Your Enthusiasm soundtrack is hot in my world.

I guess what I want is for everyone to love them the way I do, which isn’t going to happen. My husband is a good example of that. He likes them, and has heard every song they have via our close proximity and yet he lacks the obsessive love that I feel for them. Although he really dose enjoy “Everybody’s Got Something To Hide (except for me and my monkey.)”

I was watching John Lennon Vs. The US a few months ago and there was a clip of an interview John had in the 70’s with some uptight conservative WHORE (pardon my language.) The interview was also in the movie “Imagine” which I watched every week for a good 2 years. So I said a few sentence as John was saying them.. and I have never seen my husband look so disgusted with me before.

I guess it’s all timing. It seems the bands you listen to in your teens, and for that matter as a child … I wanna say hold a special place in people hearts.. but that may be the lamest sentence ever so I will say… are more… you know… people are always more into them. Since I was listening to The Beatles in the womb, there’s no way I could ever get my husband to feel the way I do about them. That and he seems to be unaffected by Paul’s puppy eyes and John’s cool quick wit. That boggels my mind!

I feel like shaking things up. So I decided to post reasons why I hate people from my past. Very Alanis Morissette of me. And don’t assume you know who I’m talking about. I doubt you do.

I hate you for not being honest

I hate you for avoiding conflict.

I hate you for not standing up for me.

I hate you for leaving.

I hate you for being weak.

I hate you for being clingy.

I hate you for being so insecure you couldn’t talk to me.

I hate you for not being what I wanted you to be.

I hate you for installing doubt in me.

I hate you for thinking I’m stupid.

I hate you for not wanting it as much as I did.

I hate you for putting me on a pedestal.

And now the fun part. In making this list and going over all the reasons I have hated people I realize two things. One I hate several people for the same reasons, and two, I hate myself for all these reasons. Ooooh doesn’t projection just blow your mind. Let’s try it with love.

I love you for being supportive.

I love you for saying that thing to me that time.. at my place…

I love you for the night you felt so protective of me.

I love you for always standing up for me.

I love you for telling me what I’m good at.

I love you for calming me down.

I love you for freaking me out.

I love you for not knowing what you want.

I love you for making me laugh at every stupid thing you say.

I love you for not judging.

I love you for punching me.

Just as I thought. Doesn’t work in the same way at all. So projection is all about negativity.

But I was looking at the site again today, and saw they have one for all your bad traits!! Woo hoo!! Do this one. http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Dezeba

Tell me all of my faults. I can take it like a man! But just don’t leave your real name. Use anonymous. Not because I don’t want to know who thinks I’m foolish and inane for example, but because I don’t want other people to know who thinks that. For instance my mom and my husband. People don’t need to know what my mom and husband really think of me…. really. That should be saved for an appearance on Jerry Springer.