May 2007

My boss just gave me a banana.

It was pouring last night, so the sound of the rain lulled me to sleep. It was nice, but this morning I had to be at work at 8, which meant I had to get up at 6. I feel so irritable, annoyed, pissed off, deadly, homicidal. Take your pick. My pen wouldn’t work a minuet ago and I thought my head was going to exploded from anger and frustration. Now I’m having an impulse to kill all those that keep LOUDLY walking up and down the hall outside my office. Seriously I hate this place.

The campus has been getting a lot of renovations the past few years, and about one year ago they took this research group and put us in this “temporary building.” It’s like a bunker. We call it the bunker. It’s pretty flimsy and the hallway is narrow, and my office is opposite the printer room. So everyday, all day, everyone is walking past my office to get to the printer, with the floor creaking under them.  People wear the loudest shoes!! Women with there heels and boots and  the head of the department wears clogs. There’s this one guy who seems to have never learned to pick his feet up when taking a step, so I hear him shuffling around all day. Mostly I listen to music with my head phones on, but then I never hear anyone knock on my door. Plus I have these really nice, fancy button head phones you stick in your ear. You can’t hear anything when you have them on, which is great but after wearing them a few hours the insides of my ears start to itch which I find REALLY annoying, so I have to take them out.

The free coffee from the machine in the break room is disgusting, to say the least, so you have to go across the street to the over priced cafe which has it’s own problems. I want a LARGE coffee. Something to bring back to my desk and sit and drink for hours. But in typical Swedish fashion they give you this little take away cup that holds about 3 tablespoons of coffee. So you can have a quick, cute fika on the go.

My office is always cold. Although today I was in such a rush to leave on time, I didn’t think about what I was wearing in connection to what the weather was like. So it’s cold and rainy and I have a short sleeved, low necked shirt on. I’m such an artard.

My office has a giant window out to the hall covered with only a piece of white nylon. Just enough so when you are sitting in here you feel as though you have privacy but everyone can see everything as they pass.

I tried out the other bathroom today, as apposed to the one I use all the time. Next to the toilet was a dispenser. The picture showed a happy bathroom patron putting a towel up to it and pressing a button and then wiping the toilet seat with the towel. It seemed to be a anti bacterial gel dispenser. I started to get a little happier, like the woman in the picture, but when I pressed the button nothing came out. It was bone dry.

I think I need to hit someone before the day is over.  Just one or two good shots should do the trick. Hmmmm….. who could I hit…. thinking, thinking…. who deserves a good punch in the face? And who’s face is at the same height as mine.. because they are short and stupid.. and smell and I HATE YOU!

I was just getting coffee at the University cafe thing… and some guy offered to buy it for me. It was mega embarrassing and uncomfortable. This kind of thing has been happening a lot since I’ve lost weight. I forgot that the best part of being a Fatty McFat Fat is that men don’t bother you or look at you. It’s great. I don’t like talking to people in general, and when it’s a guy hitting on me.. *shudder* Even when I was single.

I’m not ugly, I’m meh, ok looking,  and I don’t blame this guy, or most guys for trying. It is flattering.. but mostly it’s just embarrassing. I want to be unnoticed, incognito.. like a shadow. No, I didn’t let him buy me the coffee although he was pretty cute. The woman at the cash register really enjoyed the whole thing. Like she was watching a movie or was an audience member of the Ricki Lake show. We were standing there and he was like “no, let me get this..” and I was desperately getting the cash out of my wallet and he was like “come on, go for it..” (he really said that) and I was like “oh here. (finding the cash) No, I got it, but thanks anyway.” and he was like “next time.” and she was like.. “ooooooohhhhh.”  It was probably the most exciting thing to happen to her all day at that job. So first on the agenda– gain back every pound I’ve lost and more.

I remember the first time I was going to go to Italy, I was talking to my Grandmother (who was Italian) and her advice was to watch out for the men “they pinch.” Although I was never pinched there.. she was right. Walking around in Italy was like something I had never experienced before. Every man felt free to stare at any part of your body they felt like. They had no shame. It was pretty degrading. The only time they kept their lurid stares to themselves was when I was out with another man. So at least they have respect for other men’s property.

Swedish men, on the whole are much tamer. The only time they become over baring and brutish is when they’ve been drinking. And when the morning comes, they turn back into their meek selves. A friend of mine told me years ago, he thought it was pathetic the way Swedish men didn’t… I forget how he put it but essentially, club me over the head and drag me home. He was British, and a brute himself. I was 18 and he was … lets say, not. He ogled me all the time, and I giggled. But he was my friend. That’s the strange thing. I don’t mind attention from my male friends. I encourage it. But if I don’t know you and I’m doing something like buying a coffee, or sitting on the bus, or walking down the street, leave me alone. Unless you are Johnny Deep obviously.

There was a guy on my train yesterday that looked just like Matthew Fox only a few years younger. It was a pleasant train ride. Unfortunately he didn’t offer to buy me anything.

Last night Tweedledum and I watched the 8th part of the BBC series “Planet Earth.” I have to post the best part.

It’s the best. The best. But we both had the same thought. Shouldn’t there be a type of Cordyceps that infects humans?

I got home and ate left over Salmon pie. Pie, that sounds like a direct translation. Casserole.. quiche.. yeah that’s it. Ok so salmon quiche. I ate that, watched a family guy episode, and went right to bed. I woke up this morning with the worst stomach pain ever. I felt sick all morning. I thought a Cordyceps fungas was going to burst from my stomach. The pain actually woke me up a few times this morning and in my fogginess I thought that the pain was a malfunction of a technical system. The technical system being my sleep process I guess. The lesson is don’t eat quiche before bed.

Speaking of my hypochondriasis, I think I’m anemic. “What makes you think that, do you have symptoms?” No. Don’t ask stupid questions. Your like the doctors I see every month. Always wanting symptoms! You don’t have to have symptoms to be dieing of 38 various conditions and diseases!! But all joking aside…. I’m anemic. I think this because I saw an episode of ER last weekend with an anemic woman in it. My biggest problem is information. I can not handle information.

One of those cute little things about me is my total lack of controlling what comes out of my mouth. I speak before I think and always regret it. But I have to hand it to myself, I haven’t posted without thinking. About a dozen times over the past 3 or 4 weeks I’ve come up with ideas for posts. Really good things… juicy. I plan them all out in my head and try to come up with ways to say things about or to certain people. But the saving grace in writing is the editing. I throw up all my words on the page, then go back threw it and trim the fat, then go back threw it again and again and maybe once more. Then I start to doubt myself. Maybe the hypothetical situations and suedo names are not as cleaver as I first thought. I put it aside and wait a day or two. So far every post that I’ve come back to a day later has been bad. Bad as in, dame that would be a bad idea to have that on the Internet. I have dodged some bullets. Big fat buck shots.

I’ve also decided I need to be lose with the names of people and places in my writing. The number of hits on my stats page well excited the number of people I know the day it went above 4.

And here’s a quick random thought. People love visual entertainment. People use to read newspapers and books, and then the TV came along and they could just watch the news, and saw the movies based on the books, and it struck me the same thing is happening to the Internet. At first it was all about the blogs and websites which were all text based. And now with YouTube and video blogers and on-line webcasts of news, it seems like the reading aspect is being pushed out. Interesting how we created the written word and yet are uninterested in it. I’m not making moral judgments I’d rather watch then news then read it, and I watch tons of video blogs on YouTube and only read 5. Like I said it just struck me last night, as I was TRYING to sleep. You know how you start thinking about anything and everything when your laying in bed unable to sleep.

Ok fine… the last post.. is all about Lukas.

The following is not to be taken very seriously

I feel like shaking things up. So I decided to post reasons why I hate people from my past. Very Alanis Morissette of me. And don’t assume you know who I’m talking about. I doubt you do.

I hate you for not being honest

I hate you for avoiding conflict.

I hate you for not standing up for me.

I hate you for leaving.

I hate you for being weak.

I hate you for being clingy.

I hate you for being so insecure you couldn’t talk to me.

I hate you for not being what I wanted you to be.

I hate you for installing doubt in me.

I hate you for thinking I’m stupid.

I hate you for not wanting it as much as I did.

I hate you for putting me on a pedestal.

And now the fun part. In making this list and going over all the reasons I have hated people I realize two things. One I hate several people for the same reasons, and two, I hate myself for all these reasons. Ooooh doesn’t projection just blow your mind. Let’s try it with love.

I love you for being supportive.

I love you for saying that thing to me that time.. at my place…

I love you for the night you felt so protective of me.

I love you for always standing up for me.

I love you for telling me what I’m good at.

I love you for calming me down.

I love you for freaking me out.

I love you for not knowing what you want.

I love you for making me laugh at every stupid thing you say.

I love you for not judging.

I love you for punching me.

Just as I thought. Doesn’t work in the same way at all. So projection is all about negativity.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum and I were talking about the repression of woman a few nights ago. It was one of those late night, booze fuled conversations which is more an intellectual wanking session then a constructive conversation. But the whole thing reminded me of something I was thinking about a long time ago.

Every month a woman menstruates. I don’t know how it happens or why but I do know that you have to use tampons or pads, or more commonly both. So once a month, on average you need 1 pack of tampons and 1 pack of pads. Some woman need more, some woman need less, but this is about 100:- a month. 100:- a month!!! That’s 1200:- a year!! From the age of 13 to 46 (the average age of menopause on Wikipedia) that’s 39,600:-!!! Think about that. Why do woman have to pay almost 40,000:- during their lives for something they can’t control. It’s not right. And think about a family of 3 daughters and a mother!! That’s bullshit. Gudrun Schyman has to have brought this topic up before.. Maybe I should write her a letter. If men had periods do you think pads and tampons would be free? I do.

Then there’s birth control. No one should pay for that either in any country in the world. I would think that would help with over population. Or maybe if birth control was free and prevalent around the world, people would stop reproducing. And the human race would die out. But besides money, I think birth control will never be free because men will always want to repress womans sexuality. Oh yeah… I said it.

If you haven’t noticed there’s a link in the side bar to a page with a whole butt load of stuff about me, and one of those things is that I listen to the same few song over and over again for periods. Some times, and I will be the first to admit it, they are bad songs. I have a very eclectic musical palette. I listen to a lot of good stuff, and a lot of bad stuff. It seems like in this generation the music you listen to is more important then any other thing about you. At least among the people I have met. God forbid you actually like a Britney Spears song. Ok, that is bad. Maybe it’s all me. Maybe I am the one that is so judgmental of other peoples music taste I think everyone else will judge me. Whatev. I’m just putting this out there.. I listen to a lot of crappy music. I like Beyoncé. I’m not saying she’s a musical goddess or I buy all her songs, but there are a hand full that are catchy and I listen to them. So sue me.

The songs I’m playing now are,

Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

Lover, You should’ve come over by Jeff Buckley

Goodnight and go by Imogen Heap

Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

Release me by Oh Laura
Imogen Heap I’m not sure about. I first heard “Hide and seek” and I liked it. Mostly I liked the last minuet of it. That whole “Mmmm what do you say” spiel. But the rest of it grew on me. Then I got several more songs and the only one I really liked was “Goodnight and go” I’m not sure how I feel about her voice when it’s not electronically altered. “Goodnight and go” is a basically a pop song. Just a warning.

The Jeff Buckley song is just so great. Sad love songs really get me going. “She’s a tear that hangs inside my soul forever…”

The Oh Laura song I like, but…. it’s not enough. It starts out so slow, which builds to a nice climax and then…..nothing. I’m left feeling like, “what.. wait.. keep going.” Her voice gets this great huskiness at the end and I want to hear more of that. It basically blows it’s load and goes to sleep with out cuddling afterward. I think.

I wrote a long post earlier but it bores me know.

I’m staying in Nora tonight. I’m tired but I’m going to force myself to go for a walk and not stay up till 2 in the morning surfing the god forsaken Internet. Ah… I watched the new episode of “The office.” last night.

Lord beer me strength!

That show is great.

So a long time ago I found this Johari personality awareness thingy. It’s a list of words, you pick 6 that describe me, they compare it with how I described myself and fun is had by all.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=dezeba

But I was looking at the site again today, and saw they have one for all your bad traits!! Woo hoo!! Do this one. http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Dezeba

Tell me all of my faults. I can take it like a man! But just don’t leave your real name. Use anonymous. Not because I don’t want to know who thinks I’m foolish and inane for example, but because I don’t want other people to know who thinks that. For instance my mom and my husband. People don’t need to know what my mom and husband really think of me…. really. That should be saved for an appearance on Jerry Springer.

3 months ago I decided to walk everyday for at least 40 minuets and I’ve actually done it. There were a few days here and there that I missed, but really not that many. In Linköping Anders was coming with me. His bad knee started to get better, I lost some weight, and now my legs and ass are like steel(ish). It’s been good. So here in Örebro I thought walking to and from work would be a great way to fit walking into my day.

It’s annoying the shit out of me!!

The whole way the sun is just beating down on my face making me squint and sweat like a pig. I’m not hot or sweaty anywhere else, just my face. The whole way there there’s not a spot of shade, there’s hardly any trees, just long bare paved roads. Plus I have this hair, which is like having a Sheep dog strapped to your head. Last month I was sick twice and ever since then my nose wont stop running. So I’m walking with the sun beating down on me and in my eyes, my hot hair sticking to the sweat on my face and sniffing the whole way because everyday I forget to bring Kleenex. Urrrggg. It’s just so uncomfortable and annoying.. because the walk it’s self is nice and not strenuous in the least but by the time I get to work I look awful. Like I was in the gym working out. I’m not trying to look good for anyone here, but I would like to keep a little dignity. I need a sun umbrella. Something classy and understated like this….