work, work, work, work, work

So adulthood/life is a rip off. It’s just constant upkeep. I think most people, adults in the world are working on something. Large life issues, bad habits, self improvement, working to maintain the life or lifestyle that they want. Does it ever just happen without effort? There are ruts. People can get into ruts, but why aren’t there ever healthy ruts. No one ever says “I’m just eating healthy and working out everyday and getting 8 hours of sleep a night. I’m stuck in a rut”
In a way I enjoy it. I think I spent so many years actively avoiding working on anything, large or small, that now that’s all I want to do. The last couple of weeks I got lazy and it’s uncomfortable. Nothing extreme, just small stuff like my house is a mess, I’ve been spending too much money, I’ve been going to bed at 2am. Just small things that start to become warning sings. Obviously there are going to be weeks like that but that’s the point. All these things take constant thought and purposeful action. Life takes thought and purposeful action. I’m happy I can identify this tiny slip. In the past I would have ignored it till I had lost complete control over everything and would have to start from the bottom again.
This is really superficial but.. I think my weight loss influences my commitment to upkeep. I think a large weight loss is such a physical representation of work and commitment. It changes the way people look at you, which maybe has a large effect on keeping up with that commitment. The small slips don’t bother me too much because I have a physical representation of how far I’ve come and it also makes me more mindful of these kinds of weeks because I don’t want to lose complete control and gain tons of weight back.
Anyway, that makes it sound like it’s all about my weight, and it really isn’t. It’s all about the baskets of laundry all over my house that I keep ignoring.

Zip it

I have a continuing internal struggle with posting my opinions on facebook. I just watched this John Oliver segment on abortion and my instinct was to post on facebook…

“This makes me livid. “Land of the free” pffft. Happy my daughter is growing up in a country that at least recognizes her rights to reproductive freedom without patronizing her with any subjective religious judgment or false medical claims.”

Then I stopped myself. I have several religious and conservative family members. They aren’t bad people, they just (in my opinion) are very miss guided and have come to most of their opinions as a result of being completely cloistered off from the reality of the rest of the world. When I think about how different I was as a teenager when I moved to Sweden it blows my mind. I had lived in Montreal, but still I was so… brainwashed is really the only word I can come up with. I have this theory that if those family members were to live outside in the US and in a country like Sweden for a couple decades their views on a lot of stuff would change. (also brainwashing.. I suppose)

I have very strong opinions politically and my instinct is to share them, but when I know that people I care about wont agree and could perhaps take it is as hostile, (most of what I want to post is about how horrible the US is) I stop myself, but on the other hand I don’t want to be the kind of person who withholds their opinions based on others. Am I that person? I’ve always identified as someone who speaks their mind, but maybe I’m not. A few weeks ago I was at a beauty clinic (Yes, I need a clinic to deal with my beauty. Don’t ask) and the woman was from Syria. She has lived in Sweden for 30 years and she and I started bonding as immigrants do, about being in Sweden for so long but not really being Swedish, and then going back to our own countries and not really fitting in there being stateless as we are. So after this little convo, she starts talking about Syria and then suddenly she gets religious. Ok, I can nod and be like “ja, ah ha” Then she tells me that everything that’s happening in the world now is in the bible, The book of Revelation. I do not agree with that. I’m like, “oh… ok.” I guess a socially smooth person would have a really great way of hinting or explaining that they do not agree with that, but I don’t, so I just don’t say anything. Or I just kinda’ vaguely act like I agree and hope they stop talking.

But really thought will anyone ever change their opinion based on a facebook post. Of course not. So what’s the point. But with that attitude there’s no point in having any discussions with people about these touchy subjects ever. This goes for my crazy leftest Swedish friends as well. Last year was the worst because of the election and the fact that basically 70% of my friends are leftist, and crazy. Everyday was just scrolling through post after post about F! and Vänsterpartiet and rooting for them. Not as horrible as say a Pro Trump post, (which no one I know has actually posted anything like that thankfully) but still not really my cup of tea.

I guess it’s just a matter of balance. There’s a time and a place. Probably confronting that Syrian woman about religion while she has access to a laser (again don’t ask) wouldn’t be the the time. I guess I’ll hold my opinions about abortion laws in the US to myself until my American relatives ask me about them. Then I’ll spit in their face and curse their God and our country. 🙂

More black

I think I’m going to do it. I’m not holding back anymore… I’m only wearing black.
For years I’ve always thought all black was a little too much black, but nah. Fuck it. All black baby!
I’m really feeling this black clothes, blond hair, black eyes, black soul thing I have going. It’s my Johnny Cash phase of life, with high-heeled boots.

2000- whatever

I don’t think I give a shit about new years. All over Facebook people are going on and on and on about how 2015 was for them, what they want out of 2016. It’s all so arbitrary and meaningless.
The one thing I did resolve to do I’ve already failed at. I want/wanted to take a picture everyday. I tried this 2 years ago and made it about a month and a half. (There were a lot of late night practically pitch black selfies involved.) It’s a nice idea, but like…honestly, my life is nowhere near interesting enough to take a picture everyday, also I’ve dropped my phone SO many times there’s a few cracks on the camera lens. Also, I don’t really know what to do with them. Maybe I’ll upload them here. I’m not really looking for interaction just a random place to put them where people wont comment on them, so this is perfect. I love my little hidden corner of dose.